By Dr. Viktoria Cicolli, PsyD | Founder, Dr. Cicolli Psychology Group
The holiday season is often portrayed as the most wonderful time of the year. We see images of families gathered around beautifully decorated tables, laughter filling the room, familiar traditions, and loved ones coming together. For many people, this season genuinely brings warmth, connection, and a sense of belonging.
But what happens when the holidays don't feel that way?
For some, this time of year brings the painful reminder of someone who is no longer here. The empty chair at the dinner table, a familiar song, a family recipe, or a tradition that once included someone we loved can make their absence feel particularly overwhelming. For others, the holidays mean returning to a family environment where old conflicts, unresolved experiences, and complicated relationships resurface.
And sometimes, both experiences coexist.
While we may feel expected to celebrate, be grateful, and enjoy time with family, our internal experience may tell a very different story. It is important to acknowledge that not everyone experiences the holidays as a joyful occasion, and there is nothing wrong with that.
When Grief Has a Place at the Holiday Table
Losing someone we love changes the way we experience important moments in our lives. Holidays can be particularly difficult because they are often associated with memories, rituals, and shared experiences.
The first holiday season following a loss can feel especially painful. However, grief does not necessarily follow a timeline, and the passage of time does not mean that we stop missing someone. Even years after a loss, familiar traditions can bring feelings of sadness, longing, and sometimes unexpected waves of grief.
The American Psychological Association (2018) recognizes that holidays can amplify feelings of loss, particularly when traditions and celebrations highlight the absence of someone who was once an important part of our lives.
One of the challenges of grieving during the holidays is the pressure to participate in celebrations while carrying an emotional experience that others may not see or fully understand. You might find yourself laughing at the dinner table and suddenly feeling overwhelmed by sadness. You might want to participate in traditions while simultaneously wishing things could return to the way they once were.
Both experiences can exist together.
You do not have to choose between remembering someone you lost and allowing yourself to experience moments of happiness.
There is no single correct way to navigate the holidays while grieving. Some people find comfort in maintaining familiar traditions, while others need to create new ones. You might light a candle in memory of your loved one, prepare their favorite meal, share stories about them, or simply give yourself permission to step away when emotions become overwhelming.
Most importantly, allow yourself to experience grief without judging it. You do not need to rush your healing or perform happiness for the comfort of others.
Returning Home: Why Do We Sometimes Feel Like a Little Kid Again?
For others, the difficulty of the holiday season has less to do with loss and more to do with returning to their family of origin.
You may be an independent adult with a career, relationships, responsibilities, and a life you have carefully built. You may have spent years developing a stronger sense of yourself, learning to communicate your needs, and establishing boundaries.
Yet, the moment you walk through your childhood home, sit around the family dinner table, or interact with certain family members, something shifts.
Suddenly, you find yourself feeling like that little kid again.
Perhaps a parent makes a comment about your appearance, questions your decisions, criticizes your relationship, or dismisses your feelings. Maybe a sibling brings up an old conflict, or a family member expects you to accommodate everyone's needs while overlooking your own.
You might notice yourself becoming defensive, anxious, unusually quiet, angry, or eager to please. You may even find yourself reacting in ways that feel inconsistent with the person you have become.
Why does this happen?
Our early relationships contribute to how we understand ourselves, others, and our place within relationships. Family interactions can activate familiar emotional patterns, particularly when unresolved experiences or longstanding relational dynamics are involved.
Sometimes, what feels like a reaction to a comment made at the holiday table is connected to a much longer history of feeling criticized, misunderstood, dismissed, or unheard.
From a psychological perspective, certain interactions can activate familiar emotional responses associated with earlier experiences. When we perceive a situation as threatening, stressful, or emotionally overwhelming, our body's stress response may become activated. This can involve changes in heart rate, breathing, muscle tension, and emotional reactivity (National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, n.d.).
This does not necessarily mean that we are experiencing trauma every time a family member upsets us. However, it does help explain why certain interactions can feel disproportionately intense.
Sometimes, we are not simply responding to what is happening in the present. We are also responding to what that interaction represents based on our history.
When Your Nervous System Gets Triggered
Have you ever noticed that you feel completely different after spending a few hours with certain family members?
You might arrive feeling calm, confident, and emotionally grounded, only to leave feeling exhausted, irritable, anxious, or questioning yourself.
This is worth paying attention to.
When we encounter situations that feel emotionally threatening, our nervous system can shift into a heightened state of alertness. We may become more reactive, experience difficulty thinking clearly, or feel an urge to defend ourselves, withdraw, or escape the situation.
For some people, this may look like:
Feeling tense before even arriving at a family gathering.
Rehearsing conversations in your head because you anticipate criticism.
Feeling guilty when you express a different opinion.
Becoming overly sensitive to certain comments or facial expressions.
Finding yourself explaining or defending personal decisions.
Feeling emotionally exhausted after spending time with family.
Having difficulty saying no, even when you know you need to.
Recognizing these responses is an important first step.
Rather than criticizing yourself for being too sensitive or asking yourself why you cannot simply let things go, consider approaching your experience with curiosity.
Ask yourself: What exactly is being activated in me right now? Is this about what is happening in the present, or does it remind me of something I have experienced before?
Developing this awareness can help create a little distance between an emotional trigger and your response.
So, How Can We Protect Our Emotional Well-Being During the Holidays?
We cannot always control the behavior of others, the dynamics within our families, or the emotions that arise during this season. However, we can become more intentional about how we participate in these situations and how we care for ourselves.
Here are a few strategies to consider.
1. Give Yourself Permission to Set Boundaries
One of the most important things to remember is that being part of a family does not mean making yourself emotionally available to everyone at all times.
You are allowed to have boundaries, even with people you love.
You do not have to answer every personal question, explain every decision, or participate in conversations that leave you feeling uncomfortable.
Boundaries can be simple:
"I'd rather not discuss that today."
"I understand your perspective, but I've made my decision."
"Let's talk about something else."
"I'm going to step outside for a few minutes."
"I can join you for dinner, but I won't be able to stay the entire evening."
Remember, boundaries are not necessarily about changing another person's behavior. They are also about identifying what you are willing to participate in and what you will do when your limits are not respected.
Learning to communicate assertively and say no can help reduce interpersonal stress and support healthier communication (Mayo Clinic, 2023).
2. Recognize When You Need a Pause
You do not have to remain in an emotionally overwhelming situation just because everyone else seems comfortable.
If you notice your body becoming tense, your breathing changing, or your emotions escalating, give yourself permission to pause.
Step outside, take a short walk, get some fresh air, or find a quiet space.
Grounding techniques can help redirect your attention toward the present moment when stress or anxiety becomes overwhelming. One simple exercise is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique:
Identify five things you can see.
Identify four things you can physically feel.
Identify three things you can hear.
Identify two things you can smell.
Identify one thing you can taste.
These exercises encourage awareness of your immediate surroundings and can help you reconnect with the present moment (National Institutes of Health, 2025).
3. Remember That You Are No Longer the Child You Once Were
This is perhaps one of the most important reminders.
When old family dynamics resurface, it can be easy to fall into familiar roles. You may feel the urge to please, defend yourself, seek approval, or prove that you are worthy of being heard.
But take a moment to remind yourself:
You are an adult now. You have choices. You can disagree. You can leave a conversation. You can decide what information you share and what you keep private.
You do not need to convince everyone to understand your decisions, validate your experiences, or approve of the life you have built.
Sometimes, emotional growth means recognizing that you can no longer participate in certain relational patterns in the same way.
4. Adjust Your Expectations
One of the most emotionally exhausting things we can do is enter a family gathering hoping that this time everything will be different.
Perhaps this year your parent will understand you, your sibling will acknowledge the past, or a difficult family member will finally respect your boundaries.
While change is possible, it is important to recognize what is within your control and what is not.
Consider approaching the holidays with realistic expectations. You can hope for a pleasant gathering without making your emotional well-being dependent on everyone else's behavior.
The goal is not to anticipate the worst, but to prepare yourself to respond in ways that are consistent with your needs and values.
5. Create New Traditions That Reflect Who You Are Today
Not every holiday tradition needs to be maintained.
If certain traditions bring painful memories, overwhelming expectations, or unnecessary stress, you are allowed to reconsider them.
Perhaps you spend part of the holiday with friends, create a quieter celebration, travel, volunteer, or begin a tradition of your own.
For those experiencing grief, creating new rituals can also offer a meaningful way to acknowledge loss while making room for the present.
The American Psychological Association (2018) recommends planning ahead, adjusting traditions, and finding meaningful ways to remember loved ones during the holiday season.
You are allowed to create a holiday experience that feels more aligned with the life you are living today.
6. Make Time to Recover After Family Gatherings
Sometimes, we focus so much on getting through the actual gathering that we forget to consider what happens afterward.
Emotionally demanding interactions can leave us feeling depleted.
Give yourself time to decompress. You might enjoy a quiet evening, take a walk, spend time with someone who makes you feel safe, journal, or simply do nothing for a while.
You do not need to immediately return to your regular responsibilities or pretend that everything is fine.
Pay attention to what you need, rather than what you think you should be doing.
You Can Love Your Family and Still Need Boundaries
There is an important distinction between loving someone and having a healthy relationship with them.
You can love your parents and still recognize that certain interactions are hurtful. You can appreciate your family and still need distance from particular dynamics. You can miss someone who has passed away and still find moments of happiness during the holidays.
These experiences are not mutually exclusive.
The holiday season often brings us face-to-face with complicated emotions, relationships, and expectations. Rather than striving for a picture-perfect celebration, perhaps we can begin by allowing ourselves to experience the season more honestly.
If you are grieving, give yourself permission to remember.
If you are returning to a difficult family environment, give yourself permission to establish boundaries.
If you feel overwhelmed, give yourself permission to pause.
And if you are fortunate enough to have a supportive family, remember that not everyone experiences this season in the same way. A little compassion, patience, and understanding can make a meaningful difference to someone who may be struggling quietly.
The goal is not to have a perfect holiday. The goal is to move through the season without abandoning yourself in the process.
At Dr. Cicolli Psychology Group, we recognize that emotional well-being is not simply about managing difficult feelings. It is also about understanding the experiences and relationships that shape us, developing healthier ways of relating to ourselves and others, and creating space for meaningful change.
If the holiday season brings up grief, anxiety, family conflict, or unresolved emotional experiences, you do not have to navigate these feelings alone. Seeking support can offer an opportunity to explore these experiences and develop a deeper understanding of yourself.
Wishing you a holiday season filled with compassion, meaningful connections, and, most importantly, permission to take care of yourself.
Dr. Viktoria Cicolli, PsyD
Founder | Dr. Cicolli Psychology Group
Psychologist | California
References
American Psychological Association. (2018, December 12). Are you grieving this holiday season? Here are ways to cope with loss and honor loved ones. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief/holiday-season-coping
Mayo Clinic. (2023). Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
Morgan, T. (2018, December 17). How to help grieving loved ones during the holidays. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/topics/grief/support-that-works
National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health. (n.d.). 5 things to know about relaxation techniques for stress. https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/tips/things-to-know-about-relaxation-techniques-for-stress
National Institutes of Health, Office of Intramural Training & Education. (2025, April). Grounding skills. https://www.training.nih.gov/oite-careers-blog/grounding-skills/